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Supreme Court settles marriage debate

By April Pardillo , CNN
updated 1:05 AM EDT, Mon April 1, 2013

Justice Scalia says he's had it up to here with this issue.

  • NEW: Supreme Court decided 5 to 4 to abolish marriage entirely
  • Facebook profile images cited as deciding factor
  • Clarence Thomas slept through the announcement

Washington D.C. (CNN) -- Nobody expected that the debate would be settled this quickly but the 9 justices came together with a decision that will leave many scratching their heads.

Justice Scalia announced that after a week of heated debates they were tired of each other and wanted to get this over with once and for all.

Citing Facebook profile pictures and messages as a major deciding factor, Justice Alito noted that people are pretty evenly divided on the issue. Therefore, the only possible solution to satisfy both sides equally was to do away with government-recognized marraige entirely.

Many were immediately wondering what this meant for couples who are already married.

Scalia answered, "That's a fair question. The answer is, you'll all be treated as if you're single. That should simplify everything. You see, we like to find answers that nobody expects. That way everybody loses and we win."

The other justices had varying things to say on the matter, except Thomas, who said nothing.

Alito told the court that if there were more profile image changes that they might have taken a different stance but Ginsburg only shook her head.

"I'm still on the MySpace. I don't care about that Facebook crap."

Justice Roberts noted that Thomas Jefferson was never married and therefore the Constitution must not actually support the institution of marriage.

Kagan responded by telling him that his logic was dumb and so was he. Afterwards, they settled their dispute over a game of Mortal Kombat, which Roberts won.

Kagan was later seen muttering to herself that someday she would "Finish him".

When questioned, Sotomayor told reporters that they were both noobs and that her Sonia Blade could destroy either of them.

Certainly this wasn't the result that anyone expected, but its apparent that this court plays by their own rules.

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